B L O G !

Reflections on life under quarantine...

sunday, october 18, 2020

i'm still here

wednesday, september 9, 2020

yeah, it's been a while. i've been updating this less and less frequently and i figure it's only a matter of time before i update this site for the last time, whether intentionally or not

finished most of my college apps. cool

currently learning to drive, will be able to get my license in a few months. cool

life is pretty boring, still, but i'm still optimistic about vaccines. if there isn't some big development by next year i don't even know what i'm gonna do lol. game over bro

this site just hit 10,000 views

wednesday, august 26, 2020

online school is really getting me down. it's fucking horrible and utterly draining. i can't believe we're nearing the 6 month anniversary of this shit lol

kind of short on reasons to appreciate life right now. the idea of the light at the end of the tunnel, in the form of a vaccine of some kind before the end of the year, is what's keeping me going

wednesday, august 19, 2020

first day of online class tomorrow... i'm not ready

friday, august 14, 2020

School starts back up again in a few days. It's going to be online, which fucking sucks, but otherwise I'm holding up alright at the moment.

I got the results back from my first ever COVID test today. Was feeling a little under the weather and just wanted to make sure. It came back negative, of course.

I've had a lot on my mind recently. I might be flying overseas this October for my granddad's memorial service. Well, I'm not sure, but I'm leaning towards it. Traveling right now is scary, and I don't even think my dad or brother are going - my mom told me herself that she assumed she was the only one going - but I'd feel guilty if I wasn't there. It's not like it's going to interrupt school much, anyway.

friday, august 7, 2020

Feeling somewhat lost, but also feeling like I have a stronger sense of purpose than I have in a very long time. I have some kind of idea of who I want to be, but I don't know how to get there. Does that make sense? I think it does, but I'm the one writing this.

I want to write more, for sure. Stories, scripts, even just more blog posts like this one - I like doing it, and I want to improve. The dream is to one day make a career out of it, but god knows how difficult it is to make that work.

I want to hike the Appalachian Trail. Actually, no, fuck it, I am going to hike the Appalachian Trail. I decided a long, long time ago that I'm going to be taking a gap year before college so I can do that.

After quarantine ends, I want to get a little more in touch with, uh... "real life", I guess. I've come to realize that the worst part of all this is the sheer mind-numbing fucking hollowness of living out the human experience through social media. I guess that's why I like this site. It's a lot more personal than most social media. I want to change up this site a little bit. I'll probably be doing that soon.

thursday, july 30, 2020

Sorry, it's been a little while again. I haven't forgotten about this blog, but my days have been pretty uneventful lately. I guess I just wanted to write another post since it's been so long.

I've been thinking of changing up some things about this website - adding a couple new pages, tweaking the homepage, changing the name (if Neocities lets me do that), etc. I'll brainstorm a little more and hopefully make some changes this week.

tuesday, july 21, 2020

Back from the dead, once again.

All of a sudden, I've been looking into college a LOT. I wish I could get my mind off it for a second, it's stressful as hell. I've been spending a non-negligible amount of time worrying about whether or not I can get into Top Universities, which is something I promised myself I would never give a shit about. If I get accepted, I get accepted. If I don't, I'm lucky to live in a state with the best public colleges in the country.

I think I'd be happy at most places, honestly. Obviously there are advantages to going to more prestigious colleges, for making future connections and all. And they do give great financial aid. But I think that as long as I'm at a place with personality, I'd be fine there. I'm honestly considering the strategy of just applying to a shitload of top schools, banking on it being statistically likely that I get into at least one of them. We'll see. Still plenty of things to figure out.

In other news, school is going to be online next semester. Kill me!

monday, july 13, 2020

Hey. I'm back. Never meant to take a 2 week hiatus, but life has been weird.

Let me get straight to the point. I want to talk about Evangelion.

I'm not sure that any piece of art has ever had such a profound impact on me. The first time I watched The End of Evangelion, it broke my fucking brain. I wasn't in the greatest of moods at the time, to be fair, but it is an incredibly overwhelming sensory experience. I was kind of a mess for a few days after that, and I decided to give it another go in a week or so. After I did, I was convinced that it is one of the greatest, if not the greatest movie I have ever seen. It is transcendent.

My life hasn't been great lately. I've always been frustrated with the circumstances of this quarantine, but it feels like the breaking point was a couple weeks ago. I've been spending a lot of days locking myself in my room and lying in bed, too stressed out to do anything. And, in that respect, I watched this show at the perfect time in my life. Evangelion has helped me cope with and rationalize all the fucking horrible, demotivating anxiety that's always been present in my mind but seems to have consumed it recently. For that, I will always be grateful.

On the surface, parts of the show, and ESPECIALLY the movie, are mysterious, confusing and vague. But dig just a little bit deeper, and take the time to really listen to what the show says explicitly, and you'll soon realize it is conveying one of the more direct, powerful messages I've ever seen a tv show convey. Hell, a lot of it is quite literally explained to the viewer, in the clearest way possible. Essentially, Evangelion is an argument for hope. It's an argument against escapism. And, most importantly, it is an argument for life. Nevertheless, the show never feels unempathetic. Life is hard and human connection is painful, the show claims, over and over again. It explores the absolute darkest, most traumatizing parts of the characters' minds, and it doesn't shy away from the fear, violence, and torture humanity is responsible for. Evangelion ultimately makes the case that, despite the difficulties that come with human existence, having the possibility to experience genuine happiness is preferable to running away from reality, shutting one's self off to the world and living in one's own mind.

Maybe this isn't the perfect time to have watched Evangelion, then. I've been struggling with the show's message being so centered on human connection, because, well... it isn't exactly relevant at the moment. In many ways, the show is harder to connect with than it was six months ago. But, if anything, it's only made me more appreciative of what I've been missing. I hope that, by the time this terrible period of our lives is over, I remember what Evangelion told me. I think I will. It's been a few weeks now, and I still remember just about every line.

Anywhere can be paradise, as long as you have the will to live. After all, you are alive, so you will always have the chance to be happy.