B L O G !


Reflections on life under quarantine...







monday, may 11, 2020

Tomorrow is my first AP. I'm so ready to be done with all this.

I'd type more, but I should probably sleep.



sunday, may 10, 2020

Great news! It seems that it won't be uninhabitable outdoors for the next week. In fact, it's supposed to be a nice 70 degrees on Tuesday. I think I'll go on another long walk after finishing my calculus AP, then. I could definitely use the alone time.

In other news, I've been bad about practicing guitar lately. I need to try and play again tomorrow, or I'm worried I'll lose my calluses. Honestly, I just think it's difficult to play with everyone else in the house - I feel a lot more comfortable playing when not everyone else in the house is there to overhear me. God, I would love just one day of the house being empty right about now.



saturday, may 9, 2020

My first AP is on Tuesday. I should really be going to sleep earlier in preparation, but it's stupidly difficult. Even if I plan to go to sleep later always end up staying up an hour or two later than when I actually stop doing things I care about. No particular reason behind it. I just do. It's annoying, because then I just feel like I've, once again, wasted time on emptiness - a common theme throughout my quarantine experience. I can't wait to have no obligation to wake up early again.



friday, may 8, 2020

In a weirdly good mood today. APs are frighteningly close but I'm really excited for school to wind down afterwards. I've never really hated school as a whole (this experience, if anything, has only made me appreciate it more), but online classwork is unbearable.

I spent all of today playing Super Mario Odyssey and watching Breaking Bad, and you know what? I'm glad I did. It's strange, because usually I hate feeling like I've wasted a whole day on staring at a screen, but today was different. Maybe it's because I didn't feel like there's any other super pressing matters I was ignoring in favor of playing Mario. But then again, I have APs to study for. I don't know.



thursday, may 7, 2020

I still write on this blog because I feel like it's one of the few outlets I have for complete, unabashed sincerity. Sometimes I feel like I have trouble speaking genuinely, because it's easier to put up a facade of detached sarcasm or irony. It's something I've struggled with for a while. I do have a lot of reverence for the art of humor, and I think it's something that deserves respect like any other artform, but I'd like to try and avoid relying on it so much in day-to-day conversation once this is all over.

It kind of reminds me of what David Foster Wallace said about irony, although he was more addressing the use of irony in postmodern art. Paraphrasing from memory here, but he essentially said that irony is a useful tool for deconstructing what seems wrong and absurd in the world around you, but at some point it does nothing to better it, just smugly mock it.

I think about Wallace's words on that a lot. Sincerity is a vital part of being human. Especially now, when I'm doing most of my communication online, I think it's incredibly important to remember that. That's why I still update this blog.



wednesday, may 6, 2020

Can't write much. Tired. Head hurts. Today was fine. Nothing much happened. Still miss people. Back hurts too.



tuesday, may 5, 2020

As I'm writing this, my internet is down for maintenance. I'm writing this ahead of time and will upload it tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, that means that tonight, I'll be breaking my 40+ day streak of posting to this blog every night (though I still haven't broken the streak of writing for this blog every night). I had a good run.

I want to go on another walk soon, but it looks like it's going to be 90 degrees out for the next couple of days, so I guess that's cancelled. I've been thinking about going on night walks, but I can't imagine my parents would be OK with that.

After this month, I never want to write another essay in my life. Dear god. I've written an amount of essays somewhere in the range of two dozen ever since quarantine started. I'm so done. I enjoy writing, but formulaic intro/body/body/body/conclusion writing is thoroughly draining. For the longest time, I was convinced that I hate writing because of that. Hell, I'll admit that I'm actually really good at writing those. But man, this kind of writing just so much more fun.

On that note, I've been entertaining the idea of being a writer someday. I don't know if I actually want to do that, but I've been somewhat short on Plans For The Future recently. Sometime last year, I had an epiphany, and realized that computer science wasn't really my biggest interest and I'd probably be miserable working in it, or any STEM industry for that matter. On some level, it feels freeing to be able to pursue something I'm seriously passionate about, but I'm, uh... not sure what that would be. I like humanities, I guess. No idea of anything beyond that.



monday, may 4, 2020

The final stretch starts now, I guess. APs are next week, and school is hell.

I've been watching all the Pixar movies with my younger brother, and we just got to Ratatouille. It's a kids' movie, of course, and as such, it's a little annoyingly predictable, but aside from that it's kind of delightful. There's so much love and care put into it. The last 10 minutes are legitimately beautiful.

In many ways, the work of a critic is easy. We risk very little, yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative criticism, which is fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we critics must face, is that in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is probably more meaningful than our criticism designating it so. But there are times when a critic truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. The world is often unkind to new talent, new creations. The new needs friends. Last night, I experienced something new: an extraordinary meal from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the meal and its maker have challenged my preconceptions about fine cooking is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Gusteau's famous motto, "Anyone can cook." But I realize, only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great artist; but a great artist can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now cooking at Gusteau's, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in France. I will be returning to Gusteau's soon, hungry for more.
Cute movie.



sunday, may 3, 2020

I've been getting so many headaches lately. Allergies, maybe? It's awful.

It's a shame my plan to turn nocturnal didn't work out. I could really use some more solitude these days, and it's beginning to get too hot out for me to go on long walks.



saturday, may 2, 2020

AAAAAAAH WHY DID I STAY UP UNTIL 3:00 AGAIN I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULD STOP DOING THAT

I think I've begun to accept that that mid-May loosening of restrictions probably isn't happening. Hopefully it'll be at the start of June.

I've noticed that some people are acting somewhat inconsiderate and overly judgemental towards people during this whole thing. Yes, quarantine is the right thing to do. Yes, the protests to Free America Now are stupid. But at the same time, for many of us, this is hard to do. It's taken a massive toll on people's mental health, not to mention their economic stability. So when people single others out just for harmlessly exercising outside or demand that the quarantine remain in full effect until we have a vaccine (something that could take years), it just strikes me as being out of touch with reality. We can't do this forever, and people are already beginning to hit a wall. I'm not saying we should start rolling restrictions back now. I'm just saying that there's a reason so many of us are anxious to see it over, and I think that should be considered, you know?



friday, may 1, 2020

Today I woke up and realized that the entirety of my neck and arms are sunburned. Fun.

I hope schoolwork calms down a little after we have APs in a couple weeks. I'm genuinely kind of looking forward to them. If I have to write one more essay this week I'm going to melt.



thursday, apr 30, 2020

Whoops, I almost forgot to write this tonight. I was lying in bed, about to fall asleep, when suddenly I remembered my unfulfilled responsibilities.

I walked around the neighborhood for a few hours today. It's too hot out, but it was still fun. I got a burrito.

I've been rewatching Breaking Bad, and man, it's just as good as I remembered. It's one of the few shows where I can confidently say that it only gets better and better as it goes on.



wednesday, apr 29, 2020

Upon opening this page just now, I was reminded of what I wrote last night while sleep-deprived. Why did I do that?

I think I actually find myself hating a lot of what I write. I don't know if I've ever really wanted to become a writer, but I think that's the number one thing deterring me. Everything I write gets exponentially worse over time after writing it. I do like writing in the moment, though. It's just the aftermath that gets me.



tuesday, apr 28, 2020

Today was awful, and I don't know why. Sorry to get angsty, but I feel like one of these days, I'm gonna break, or something. I've felt terrible for months now. I keep telling myself that it's just school-related stress that'll go away once summer break starts, but I worry that I'm lying to myself. After all, I don't think spring break helped much. Life just feels like a whole lot of bad news and not much good news right now.

I hate to talk about this. Really. I've always had a fear of sounding whiny, and it's something I try to be self-conscious about. But lately, it just seems like it's been getting harder and harder to just.. have fun? Everything I do is a chore, and everything that happens is an inconvenience. I've completely anchored my mental wellbeing on restrictions beginning to be rolled back in a couple weeks. If they aren't, I seriously don't know what I'll do.



monday, apr 27, 2020

This morning was pretty annoying because of some school stuff, but I went on a walk around my neighborhood for around 2 hours and it was a good time. It's still surreal to see how empty everything is.

Even though I'm very much done with quarantine, I think it's a good thing for me to get more acquainted with my surroundings. Without quarantine, I doubt I'd be this interested in long walks outside, and in some kind of way, it's added a lot of depth to the place I live in. I didn't even get that far from my house and still ended up seeing a bunch of streets I barely even recognized.

Unfortunately, for some reason, my neighborhood walk was accompanied by a god-awful headache, one that I continue to suffer from at this very moment. What's up with that? Was it just the heat? Is it my body rejecting any form of physical activity after spending a month and a half melting into my chair? Hopefully it doesn't happen again. I appreciate having the time to get outside and look around this little slice of Los Angeles.



sunday, apr 26, 2020

Today, I sat outside with my new headphones and spent about 45 minutes just staring at the night sky. It was nice. Very therapeutic.

Words can't describe how anxious I am to see my friends again. I feel like I'm going to regret getting so attached to the idea of restrictions beginning to roll back in mid-May, because man, I'll be devastated if I have to wait any longer than that.



saturday, apr 25, 2020

I got a new pair of headphones that'll be ideal for walking around outside. My other pair sounds really nice, but is too bulky to carry around outside.

Shoutout to "whoever" on my guestbook", who recently commented:

I like your site, you are a good webmaster, keep going on, corona will be over
To "whoever", whoever you are, this comment made me smile. Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's interesting to think that there are people actually still reading this; I think this site just hit 4,000 views (!!), which is surreal. I guess Neocities has its own community of sorts that's found this place? I only used this for hosting the site because I thought it would work best for a rough-around-the-edges '90s/Geocities aesthetic, not realizing it had its own active userbase and it was more than just a hosting site.

I've mostly been updating this place for my own sake more than anything else - it used to be a school project, but since that's gotten cancelled it's just a small corner of the internet where I can pour my thoughts out.



friday, apr 24, 2020

I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic about the lockdown. Based on a few articles I found, we might be able to start having small gatherings again in a few weeks, which would be a lifesaver. I just want to see people again.

Online class is completely exhausting. The end of waking up at 8:00 AM for Zoom meetings is one of the things I'm most looking forward to at the moment.



thursday, apr 23, 2020

I went on a walk this morning. It was nice to get out, although it seems like it's going to be unbearably hot out for the next week or two. Maybe I could try going out during the night more.

I'm convinced the realization that you've wasted an entire day on procrastination is one of the most soul-sucking things you can experience. I opened a Google Drive tab at around noon today so I could work on a history essay (that should have taken me 40 minutes) due tomorrow, but I ended up finishing it around 8 hours later. Procrastination is one of the worst things you can do to yourself; at least, when I fall into a procrastination loop, I never end up actually doing anything else, because I still have it in my head that I can't do anything else until I finish my essay. I just sit at my computer, mindlessly scrolling through endless webpages full of bullshit I don't really care about. It doesn't just make me feel unproductive, it makes me feel empty, and emptiness is maybe the single most demoralizing emotion someone can feel. I hate emptiness.

Life has felt awfully empty lately.



wednesday, apr 22, 2020

Ugh, school is way too busy again. I've had little free time. These blog posts will get longer again once I'm in a better mood.



tuesday, apr 21, 2020

I've been reconsidering this whole daily blog post thing. It's beginning to feel like a chore, especially as my routine becomes more cyclical than ever. Wake up, do homework, talk to some friends, sleep, repeat. I don't have much to think about.



monday, apr 20, 2020

I feel like I've been wasting my days. I know that quarantine has made things more difficult than normal, but I can't remember the last time my day felt genuinely memorable or meaningful, and that's not a very fun thing to think about.

I should really get better about avoiding procrastination.



sunday, apr 19, 2020

I made the mistake of staying up too late again last night, and so today has been short - I woke up late and am going to bed a little earlier so I can do this English essay that's assigned at 9:00 AM tomorrow, for some reason. So, not much to speak about.

I continued my baking journey today and made some chocolate chip cookies. They actually turned out really well. Cool.



saturday, apr 18, 2020

My wish came true. We left the house, but only to stay out of the plumbers' way. We drove all the way to Malibu, making today one of the more interesting beach trips I've had in my life.

It's still surreal to see everything so empty. It'll never feel right.

The whole "Liberate America" protests going on around the country are so incredibly stupid and irresponsible. Like, come on, really?



friday, apr 17, 2020

Today was interesting. We have a broken pipe under the house, so plumbers came over to fix it, meaning we didn't have any running water for most of the day. Interesting.

I am so unbelievably bored. I just want to do something outside.